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The Lighter Side of the News

Don't believe the dad's day gift guide

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  • If you happen to be in Dortmund, Germany, this weekend, why not take dad to the always fun International Tattoo Convention?

    Associated Press

    If you happen to be in Dortmund, Germany, this weekend, why not take dad to the always fun International Tattoo Convention?

When in doubt, it's OK to err on the side of not giving a present on Father's Day. Because if you don't know something that dad specifically wants or needs, you're sure to come across extremely unhelpful suggestions, such as those found in the article, "Stuck? Check out the Father's Day gift guide."
No stereotypical ties here. Instead, the guide suggests that dad can "Gussy up any ensemble with this edgy yet classy skull-embroidered silk bow tie, by go-to royal fashion house Alexander McQueen. $185 at"
While it would seem hard to go wrong with "edgy yet classy" anything, everyone knows that of the father(s) in the world who would appreciate that bow tie, yours isn't one of them. Go ahead and give him an edgy-yet-classy card 'n' hug.
Let's gussy up our ensemble of headlines:
•"90-year-old lobsterman survives sinking off Maine": Happy Father's Day to Philip Tuttle who saved himself as his boat sunk by swimming a nearby island through the cold waters of the Gulf of Maine. His two sons are repairing his boat, Queen Tut, so he can get back to trapping lobster. Suffice it to say, Mr. Tuttle would have no use for an edgy yet classy skull-embroidered silk bow tie.
"Can you get off the grid?": Possibly. But the real question is: Can you get off the grift? (As posed in the 1990 movie, "The Grifters.")
"Secretive U.S. panel eyes China's Smithfield deal": Due to current events, all government agencies must now be described with the mandatory adjective "secretive."
"Gen Y can guide their offices with tech savvy": Or they can really, really mess them up, if they feel things aren't right.
"Orwell's '1984' soars on Amazon": And the NSA has every one of their names.
"Donut? Croissant? The hot pastry is the Cronut": The treat is all the rage in New York, prompting The Guardian to report, "The Cronut -- the US pastry sensation that must cross the Atlantic." If it must, it must. But we trust the French will turn their noses up, at least at the name, and insist on calling them the more refined sounding "doughssant."
"No joke: Jester wanted at Austrian hotel": They want the real deal, complete with costume and Cronut juggling, to entertain their guests. What a fine way to boost the economy -- reviving extinct jobs. The hotel could also employ a "master of the hunt," a "gentleman of the bedchamber," and a royal food taster. ("Mmm this doughssant seems safe enough, but I better have another to make sure.")
"Officials: Woman approaches kids with chain saw": Or, more precisely: "Woman with chain saw approaches kids."
"Cheetahs' secret weapon: A tight turning radius": Take that, Jaguar.
"Eyeball licking trend in Japan is causing spike in pink eye": And the accidental swallowing of contact lenses? To each his/her own, but this makes that dating a life-size doll trend seem almost reasonable."
"Tia Mowry wears nothing but lettuce for PETA": Where, for the love of roughage, are the People for the Ethical Treatment of Lettuce?
If you have them, employ stock phrases this week that your dad imparted to you. Such as, "Remember who you are and what your represent."
Carol MacPherson: 425-339-3472,

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